Greetings Humanoids.

It has once again fallen my way to tell this week's horror story, this now being such a regular occurrence that it's rumoured that the DOC has sounded out Stephen King to step in for a few of the reports later this season. So, are you sitting comfortably?...

Pre-match and Glenn Salmon has pulled out with a neck injury but was on hand along with Ian McCrea to offer some much needed support, Robbo stepping in to take his place in the starting line-up. The toss was unsurprisingly won by Gravesend who elected to bat, the surprise being Woody electing to play a 40-over match thus taking the draw out of the equation...(along with the win)! Gravesend, with a couple of exceptions appeared to be another ridiculously young and energetic crowd...the oppo just seem to look younger each week, at this rate teas will have to consist of Nesquick and Jammy Dodgers soon! To the cricket then, and with rumours that Gravesend would 'experiment' with their batting order Woody decided that he would be okay to open the bowling this week alongside Val. 32 runs later and Woody has uprooted the first three batsmen's stumps with Cookie, replacing the miserly Val, removing the next man in, Val judging his catch calmly in the deep.

32-4 then and Woody's fine spell of 3-18 ending with Boss replacing him at the A25 end. Steve and Stuart bowled tidily and economically, both picking up wickets with catches from Bradley, and when Robbo caught Bradford off the latterly introduced Savory, Gravesend had limped along to 82-7, and with just 6 overs left they still had only amassed 105 runs. As has often been the case of late though, with the job nearly well done Beechwood choked at a crucial stage of the game and although two more wickets were taken Gravesend swung their way to a final score of 173 with R.Wilde particularly impressive on his way to an unbeaten 50.

Asides from the field: Stu, wearing specs still unable to tell me and Cookie apart, Bradley, gesticulating ferociously that he was not going to retrieve the ball from the nearby wasps' nest, Stu again, deciding he was made of sterner stuff and would retrieve said ball...result; Stu emerging from the foliage sucking his hand muttering "I've been stung!" several times, Deano having his customary "Deano Moment"...his cap must worry every time he heads for that mid-wicket boundary and Savory, mindful of his fielders tiring in the heat, sending down an over of sixes, thus sparing them any fielding whatsoever ...can't imagine it did a watching Glenn's neck much good though!

Tea.

To the run chase then, the trusted partnership of Freeman and Kelly opening up but as with all horror stories there is always a twist; this coming in the shape of Freeman, having forgotten his own gloves, being forced to bat in those belonging to Savory and you've guessed it, Tony edging his second ball to slip, the gloves lasting twice as long as they're often accustomed to! Seriously though, the opening pairing of Allen jr. and R.Wilde were most impressive but typically of Beechwood these were seen off by Dean and next man Adrian only for Dean, having got through all the hard work falling to change bowler Allen sr. for a gutsy 23...nobody pointing a finger at Deano's application this summer. Val joined Adrian and both were able to play a few strokes but still the required run-rate was over a run a ball when Adrian holed out for a well made 32. 86-3 as Bradley joins Val but on 101 with the run-rate still creeping up Bradley perished in the deep to a well taken catch. As you'd expect, with just 10 overs left and still over 70 runs needed in scorching heat, you promote a fat 43 year old in the batting order with yours truly reduced to a wheezing wreck as he tried to keep up with the ridiculously youthful Val who'd suggested the best chance of winning was to keep rotating the strike. Sadly for Beechwood (but fortunate for his partner) Val holed out off the impressive Rhana for a fine 32 effectively ending Beechwood's chase. Woody was next in swapping his shovel for a riot-shield on his way to a red-inker but with Savory , Keith and Robbo all perishing in the cause it was left to Cooksley to partner to Woody to the end, Beechwood stuttering to 136-8.

Post-match and Gravesend proved they could drink as well to back up their cricket with most still there after several Beechwoodians had departed, Amanda showing enough batting skill that wouldn't look out of place in Beechwood's middle-order ...number 6 I'd suggest, and Carol, having impressed us all with her sprinting prowess last week showed us she's capable of a marathon too... albeit a drinking one!

Don't have nightmares.

Beechwood:
Boss, Cooksley, Freeman, Hill, Kelly, Makin (wk), Robinson, Savory, Valentine, Warner, Woodward (c)

Final word from the DoC:
You're all too old. Retire.