1. Tony Freeman
"Doesn't really get out very often so will probably be there all day (just as well judging by the suicidal shots played by some others).  Does just about everything for the club so I'll let him be number 1 (in case he sulks).  Likes to field in the slips so he can 'advise' the captain. "

2. Dean Kelly
"Got to put him in really even though I can think of better things to do on a Sunday.  He's easier to live with if he bats and apparently he's quite good.  Also, the 'lightning' partnership of Freeman and Kelly will ensure those runs soon fly up on the board!"

3. Tim Johnson
"All the old boys seem to think he was a really good player and Dean told me once that he was the best number 3 batsman that Beechwood had ever had because of numerous reasons which I've now forgotten and apparently there are various skills needed at certain points in the batting order and you need to bat differently depending on what type of bowler it is and ... to be honest, I'd stopped listening and walked off. ."

4. Brad Hill
"He's only here because he gets lots of runs and we may need some by now, I didn't want to put him in as he gets loads of sixes which means I have to concentrate on the game in case the ball comes towards us, so I can't read my book."

5. Keith Makin (capt)
"He's captain because he'll probably declare when we reach double figures so the game will only take a few minutes (actually, maybe not, looking at the openers).  I think he likes to be quite high up in the batting order and this means he should get a good umpire stint in as well."

6. Colin Robinson (wkt)
"Obviously very entertaining so should liven things up as the game's probably got a bit boring.  I've made him wicket-keeper because I've seen photographic evidence that he did keep once upon a time but I've never seen him in action (although as Keith's captain, he'll probably make himself wicket keeper). "

7. Richard Proctor
"Although he's quite new, I've included him in the hope that he gets to partner Colin so there should be lots of shouting and confusion (on second thoughts, Tony's probably still out there - on about 15 runs).  He's good at bowling too, I'm told (oh ..... I'd forgotten that I need bowlers.....)."

8. Colin Robinson (wkt)
"Am I allowed to do this?  Colin's funny to watch but sometimes he gets out quickly so I thought I'd give him another go.  (There is, of course, a vague possibility that this means Colin could end up partnering himself which could be surreal)."

9. Rob Herd
"Again, funny to watch (especially when fielding) although probably wouldn't be so funny if he concentrated on what was happening and knew the rules.  Also, you need a young 'un in the team (even if the young 'un is 30!).  May need to borrow a bat and various other cricketing things though (and some money)."

10. Ian McCrea
"Does a bit of bowling, batting and keeping (so he can do anything if someone else drops out).  Also, with everybody else shouting, we need one person being quiet and not throwing his toys around."

11. Stuart Boss
" Likes being number 11 batsman (have his bat and shin pads* ever been used?).  He's a bowler and I'm not sure I have enough of them.  Seems to like umpiring (quite a few Beechwood players are allergic to umpiring) and paces about a lot during a Beechwood collapse which can be quite entertaining.

* my husband tells me that they're not called shin pads, but what does he know? "

12: Sean Cowell (in case I'm not allowed Colin twice)
"Good bowler (again, I've been told this - I don't actually watch when we field).  Will gag him when fielding though so he can't 'encourage' any new boys."

12th Man: Steve Cooksley
"We need someone to carry the orange squash out and do the website (and he's usually quite funny when everyone else is moaning)." (Thanks Karen, the cheque's in the post)

Tea boys: Adrian Warner and Woody (with Richard & Colin in charge of flags)
"I ran out of places and I know they'd hate to miss out.  Marmite sandwiches and mini-pizzas, anyone?"