A little laugh for the WAGs
from Mandy

• Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring!
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs!
  
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does!
  
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends!
  
• I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire!
  
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
  
• Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys but I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
  
• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ... and then they marry him!
  
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!

SUMMER CLASSES FOR THE BEECHWOOD MEN

Due to the Complexity and Difficulty Level Of Their Contents, Class Sizes Will Be Limited to 4 Participants Maximum.

• Class 1: How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
• Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
• Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
• Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Basket and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
• Class 5: After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink or Dishwasher? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
• Class 6: Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.
• Class 7: Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
• Class 8: Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
• Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
• Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.
• Class 11: Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
• Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.
• Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
• Class 14: The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
  
  (Contact Mandy/Carole for further information)

THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

• Cats' facial expressions.
  
• The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
  
• Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
  
• Fat clothes.
  
• Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
  
• The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
  
• Cutting your hair to make it grow.
  
• Eyelash curlers.
  
• The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

TIP of the Week

If men spent 8 hours doing the housework, as long as playing rubbish cricket, wouldn’t the world be a better place!!

Please all you lovely men out there remember to put the milk back in the fridge after making tea (that’s if any of you know where the fridge is of course!)

Beechwood WAGs

Trinny and Susannah "I'm not stopping here in this dump of a hotel"
(otherwise known as Lyn and Tina)

Who better to start with than the true Beechwood “nans” of first aid.  These two ladies are brilliant at taking the players money (purely for raffles of course), drinking Pimms and “giving lip” – they are also known for putting up with a lot!  Susannah especially enjoyed having a lie down next to Tony in a race that shall remain nameless (just look at the photos)!

Lulu
(otherwise known as Mandy)

Known by the Beechwood kids as “the curly one”.  Owns and has lots of shares in a huge amount of designer trainers!  Bonny of the banking world who is a very good laugh and is good at taking the p*** (especially out of Carole).

Mary Berry
(Otherwise known as Karen)

Cake-maker extraordinare  Extremely good at taking photos of the Beechwood clan in potential blackmailing positions – so no messing with Mrs K.

Baby Spice or Jade (the other names weren't repeatable)
(otherwise known as Carole)

“This has been my most embarrassing year”.  Happiest when doing an impression of a drowned rat (Austria and Tenterden spring to mind) and also trying to use a fan as a hairdryer – Tony has a lot to answer for!  Likes a laugh, a good drink and this year has been awarded mother of the year by the Limpsfield’s society (ie some old Irish man - you had to be there)  Also famous for having to explain her knee injury (3 legged race) to a dishy doc in A&E who couldn’t keep a straight face

Mary Poppins
(otherwise known as Julie)

Long suffering wife of Mr Bradley (can't you keep those kids quiet, Victorian dad?).  Has been in attendance of watching the cricket (along with Mrs Boss) for the last 12 long long years ………. and loves every minute of all the banter.

Geena Davies
(otherwise known as Andrea)

Welcome to Baby Hannah.  If you ever need your eyes tested then this is the woman to ask!

Charlize Theron
(otherwise known as Teresa)

Teresa is, without doubt, the most intelligent WAG as she almost always finds something better to do on a Sunday than turn up to watch the dismal displays of 'cricket' that the rest of us suffer. Since the arrival of Baby Lewis in August, Teresa now spends her time being a full-time mum and ensuring any little 'Herd-isms' are ironed out before they have time to flourish. Is she fighting a losing battle?

Other WAGs will be added some time in the not too distant future – any contributions gratefully received.